Depression

I am currently going through a bout of depression. It all started a couple of weeks ago when I was doing some particularly difficult Actionscript programming. I became kind of stuck, and consequently I started feeling very inadequate and depressed. Combined with the financial problems I have been experiencing, I started to become very upset. I also became obsessed with learning Actionscript, thinking and reading about it at least 18 hours a day. To me, it felt like I either had to or my survival was threatened. Thankfully, my friend Vera helped me get over the wall that I had encountered with a bit of scripting assistance. It turned out that I was making things much harder than they needed to be.

Last weekend, things started to get better. My Actionscript project was going well, and I was learning a lot. I started getting into making music again. Then I got another call from UVA about a different job interview at the UVA Library. This job was much better than the last one I interviewed for. I was excited... but the impending interview and the questions about my future it started to arouse began to trigger my anxiety again. The anxiety crescendoed the evening before the interview. I was a complete nervous wreck.

I went for the interview yesterday - It was kind of a frightening experience. I was interviewed by a large group of people who all came in to a conference room and grilled me with pre-prepared questions. They were nice about it, but boy was I being put on the spot. I think I did okay but the experience kind of broke me emotionally. I can't even begin to explain how wore down my nerves have become. I am finding it difficult to even leave the house, go in town and drive my car... or go to a store and shop by myself. I did these things today and was debilitated by a series of anxiety attacks. Sounds crazy doesn't it? It's true.

Right now I am very confused and extrememely anxious about just about everything in my life. Anxiety is triggering depression and it is affecting my views on life in a negative manner. I just hope that this doesn't destroy my relationship. I know it won't, but that's the thing that I dislike the most about this anxiety disorder, that it also effects the people I love.

I need to chill. I need a break. I need a vacation! Unfortunately I can't really do that right now because I have some more Actionscript programming to do for my job... I have to either do it or not get paid. If I don't get paid I can't pay my bills... or my rent. I'm stuck. I have no savings and I can't take off any time from work.

Part of me feels like a job at UVA would be a relief from freelancing. I'm just not sure, though. I am so tormented about my career right now, and I think it goes without saying that depression and anxiety isn't very good for creativity. Without musical and artistic inspiration I find life hardly worth living. I know this sounds like an extreme statement but my psyche has been very dark lately and it feels good to express this and vent.