EMDR Therapy this week
Last week I went to talk to my EMDR therapist about getting treatment for the many traumas that have occurred to me throughout my life. I have been diagnosed with Post-traumatic Stress Disorder from which I am increasingly suffering many psychological and physical symptoms as I get older. I have recently made the decision that I cannot go on and longer trying to repress and cope with these things by myself, and am going to invest the time and money into getting help. After much soul searching over the past couple of months, I have become aware of three "big" issues that I will be focusing on in the next few months.
Yesterday I had my first EMDR session to help me remember and process these things. It was very painful and made me feel very vulnerable to talk about some of things I talked about yesterday. I left the session feeling very icky, and that my therapist was judging me for what I confessed. I know that she wasn't and that I was just projecting my guilt onto her. Next week I am going to address this.
The cause of these feelings involved my sexual awakening when I was 15 and the string of events which led to being involved in an abusive relationship in my early to mid-twenties. At the root of it all I discovered the huge amount of guilt which led me to make choices which reflected my feelings of not deserving to be loved and to be made to suffer. These choices attracted a person into my life who mirrored these feelings back to me.
Although I escaped this relationship and now am involved with a very wonderful person who truly loves me and treats me the way I deserve to be treated, these memories are still with me and make it very hard to enjoy my life even to this day. I often have nightmares and have night terrors that this specific person is going to stalk me and break into my house at night and kill my husband and I. The reason I have these fears is because I was traumatized and threatened that this would happen at the end of our relationship when I was trying to get out.
I also discovered a connection between how observing my mother being abused by my father as a child and teenage caused me to subconsciously recreate the experience in my early adult life. Even though I broke the pattern, I still have a lot of clearing out to do.
More updates as they happen.
Yesterday I had my first EMDR session to help me remember and process these things. It was very painful and made me feel very vulnerable to talk about some of things I talked about yesterday. I left the session feeling very icky, and that my therapist was judging me for what I confessed. I know that she wasn't and that I was just projecting my guilt onto her. Next week I am going to address this.
The cause of these feelings involved my sexual awakening when I was 15 and the string of events which led to being involved in an abusive relationship in my early to mid-twenties. At the root of it all I discovered the huge amount of guilt which led me to make choices which reflected my feelings of not deserving to be loved and to be made to suffer. These choices attracted a person into my life who mirrored these feelings back to me.
Although I escaped this relationship and now am involved with a very wonderful person who truly loves me and treats me the way I deserve to be treated, these memories are still with me and make it very hard to enjoy my life even to this day. I often have nightmares and have night terrors that this specific person is going to stalk me and break into my house at night and kill my husband and I. The reason I have these fears is because I was traumatized and threatened that this would happen at the end of our relationship when I was trying to get out.
I also discovered a connection between how observing my mother being abused by my father as a child and teenage caused me to subconsciously recreate the experience in my early adult life. Even though I broke the pattern, I still have a lot of clearing out to do.
More updates as they happen.
posted by Starrie at
4:52 PM
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