Psychic Valentines!

Recently I made this computer illustration for Vera's new web site: PsychicValentines.com. She sent me a bunch of mini-cards with this image on it, which offers a free psychic wish to the recipient for Valentines day. I've been distributing at all the cool spots around Charlottesville.

So Here Is The Media Player :)

Here is the media player that's been causing me so much turmoil. LOL. Special shouts go out to Vera for helping me when I got stuck. The tracks that are streaming through the player are from "The Guilty Compilation Vol. 5", the record that has the track I did vocals for. If you want to check it out, it's the one titled "Music of the Spheres".

Depression

I am currently going through a bout of depression. It all started a couple of weeks ago when I was doing some particularly difficult Actionscript programming. I became kind of stuck, and consequently I started feeling very inadequate and depressed. Combined with the financial problems I have been experiencing, I started to become very upset. I also became obsessed with learning Actionscript, thinking and reading about it at least 18 hours a day. To me, it felt like I either had to or my survival was threatened. Thankfully, my friend Vera helped me get over the wall that I had encountered with a bit of scripting assistance. It turned out that I was making things much harder than they needed to be.

Last weekend, things started to get better. My Actionscript project was going well, and I was learning a lot. I started getting into making music again. Then I got another call from UVA about a different job interview at the UVA Library. This job was much better than the last one I interviewed for. I was excited... but the impending interview and the questions about my future it started to arouse began to trigger my anxiety again. The anxiety crescendoed the evening before the interview. I was a complete nervous wreck.

I went for the interview yesterday - It was kind of a frightening experience. I was interviewed by a large group of people who all came in to a conference room and grilled me with pre-prepared questions. They were nice about it, but boy was I being put on the spot. I think I did okay but the experience kind of broke me emotionally. I can't even begin to explain how wore down my nerves have become. I am finding it difficult to even leave the house, go in town and drive my car... or go to a store and shop by myself. I did these things today and was debilitated by a series of anxiety attacks. Sounds crazy doesn't it? It's true.

Right now I am very confused and extrememely anxious about just about everything in my life. Anxiety is triggering depression and it is affecting my views on life in a negative manner. I just hope that this doesn't destroy my relationship. I know it won't, but that's the thing that I dislike the most about this anxiety disorder, that it also effects the people I love.

I need to chill. I need a break. I need a vacation! Unfortunately I can't really do that right now because I have some more Actionscript programming to do for my job... I have to either do it or not get paid. If I don't get paid I can't pay my bills... or my rent. I'm stuck. I have no savings and I can't take off any time from work.

Part of me feels like a job at UVA would be a relief from freelancing. I'm just not sure, though. I am so tormented about my career right now, and I think it goes without saying that depression and anxiety isn't very good for creativity. Without musical and artistic inspiration I find life hardly worth living. I know this sounds like an extreme statement but my psyche has been very dark lately and it feels good to express this and vent.

Decisions, Decisions

On the winter solstice, I followed the advice of my friend Vera and used to opportunity (and the New Moon) to meditate on things that I wanted to manifest in my life. I've been having a very hard time with money for the past month, and on the winter solstice it was a big issue. I intended that I was going to solve this financial crisis and not let it happen again.

I've been working a whole lot and making money... but I still haven't gotten myself completely caught up yet. I'm working on it.

Today Santino called me and told me that he got laid off from his job. He works for the Electricians Union. He'll probably get a new job soon, but he's probably going to miss at least a week's pay. This is not good. With me barely catching up with bills, this is really bad timing.

After he told me this, I emailed a former co-worker about a job opening in his department at UVA as a Media Editor. An hour later I got a call about the job! I'm going to go meet with them tomorrow. It sounds like they need domeone ASAP. Woah.

I couldn't help but notice that today there is nearly a full moon, and that this might be something that manifested from my intention at the winter solstice/new moon on December 22.

It's going to be a bit of a tough decision, though, because I really like the company I am freelancing for right now. I'm torn between what I feel would be the responsible thing to do, and something else that I thought was making me happy.

I'm really tired of going through periods of financial hardship and feeling like my way of life is threatened. I'm also tired of not having enough money to invest into the label as much as I would like or travel as much as I would like.

And then there is the fact that Santino and I want to get married in June and go to Egypt, and this job would pretty much guarantee that it would happen.

Not to mention how bad I need health insurance because I have not gone to the gynecologist for 3 years and I need a crown for one of my teeth,

Yikes.