Lost & Found
I read an advice column in the paper the other day and it mentioned that most people who do not go through a "lost" period in their early twenties usually end up having a "quarter century premature mid-life crisis". I found this very interesting because I definitely have observed this phenomenon in some people I have known.
It also makes me feel a lot better about the "lost" phase I went through in my early twenties. I often fear that that period of my life was a huge setback. While most of the other kids my age were getting their undergrad degrees at 22 and moving on to grad school, I was an art school drop out working in a chicken wings restaurant in west Philadelphia, clinging to my sanity in the middle of an identity crisis which was triggered by incessant past life meditations (and other activities that broke my ego down to the core) I really dove into at the age of 20. It really took a lot for me to pick up the pieces, get my shit together, get disciplined, focused and start passing classes at school. Thankfully, once I got on that path I started getting all A's and B's, and truly found something I loved doing - Multimedia Art. I went through another few years of realizing that I was attracting abusive relationships that were not fulfilling my deepest desires and honoring my newfound self love. It was another challenge in itself muster the courage to either be alone or treated with respect in a relationship that lined up with my boundaries.
Consequently, because of all of this muck I chose (was forced?) to wade through, I did not get my undergrad degree until I was 30 and did not get married until I was 33. I have to admit that there is a part of me that is ashamed of this - that is, when I start to compare myself to others. Deep down inside though, I have no doubts that that period of my life allowed me to truly discover who I am at the deepest core and to work out a lot of issues I had been acting out since I was around 14 years old. I never truly started to shed off my crusty self-hatred and really began to love who I truly am until I hit 23. Since then I have been on a journey of learning to let another person in on my discovery, and how to manage the maintenance of the state of being I discovered. It is not easy, but it means everything in the world to me. It is the purpose of my life, and I have no doubt that it directly relates with the higher purpose of existence.
The passage of time and my relationship to it is now my greatest quest, and self-knowledge is one of my greatest weapons I have on this journey.
It also makes me feel a lot better about the "lost" phase I went through in my early twenties. I often fear that that period of my life was a huge setback. While most of the other kids my age were getting their undergrad degrees at 22 and moving on to grad school, I was an art school drop out working in a chicken wings restaurant in west Philadelphia, clinging to my sanity in the middle of an identity crisis which was triggered by incessant past life meditations (and other activities that broke my ego down to the core) I really dove into at the age of 20. It really took a lot for me to pick up the pieces, get my shit together, get disciplined, focused and start passing classes at school. Thankfully, once I got on that path I started getting all A's and B's, and truly found something I loved doing - Multimedia Art. I went through another few years of realizing that I was attracting abusive relationships that were not fulfilling my deepest desires and honoring my newfound self love. It was another challenge in itself muster the courage to either be alone or treated with respect in a relationship that lined up with my boundaries.
Consequently, because of all of this muck I chose (was forced?) to wade through, I did not get my undergrad degree until I was 30 and did not get married until I was 33. I have to admit that there is a part of me that is ashamed of this - that is, when I start to compare myself to others. Deep down inside though, I have no doubts that that period of my life allowed me to truly discover who I am at the deepest core and to work out a lot of issues I had been acting out since I was around 14 years old. I never truly started to shed off my crusty self-hatred and really began to love who I truly am until I hit 23. Since then I have been on a journey of learning to let another person in on my discovery, and how to manage the maintenance of the state of being I discovered. It is not easy, but it means everything in the world to me. It is the purpose of my life, and I have no doubt that it directly relates with the higher purpose of existence.
The passage of time and my relationship to it is now my greatest quest, and self-knowledge is one of my greatest weapons I have on this journey.
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Labels: early twenties, reflection
posted by Starrie at
10:49 AM
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