Princess of Doom

Featured (left to right): Me, Nathan Tanner, Nathan Kingree, ?, Amanda Irwin, Erin Tanner.

One of my friends in Delaware, Erin, recently scanned this picture of us. It was taken on July 24th, 1994 in her kitchen in Seaford, Delaware. It is one of the few pictures I have from my teenage years. Actually, this is the day I left teenage-hood and turned 20 years old. I look very miserable, probably because I was. Things that were occurring in my life: my grandmother was suffering horribly with colon cancer (I was living with her taking care of her), my parents were going through a very nasty divorce (in which I was being used as a tool), my dad was drunk/drugged all of the time, acting like a psychopath and terrorizing my mom and I, my boyfriend at the time was not really in love with me and I knew it. He was just holding on. I, however, was in love with one of his friends. It was a bad situation. All of these people were uncomplicated friends, and it was a welcome break from the chaos occurring in my life to hang out with them for just one night.

P.s. I was kind of fat here. I remember that I had lost about fifteen pounds that summer (six months before this I was REALLY fat). When I moved to Philadelphia two months later I dropped more weight (and became infinitely more happy) when I was going to art school and attending lots of raves)

Embarrassed

Ever sincre I posted that picture of me with a puffy face, I have been really embarrassed that anyone is seeing me like that. I am trying to focus on the fact that I do not look like that anymore, and have been slowly losing weight over the past few months.

To be honest, though, I have not been impressed with my metabolism since starting Synthroid, and sadly, after doing a lot of research - I am by far not the only woman who has been having trouble losing weight with it. I am crossing my fingers in hope that I will be one of the few women who are able to lose weight with it. We will see. Until then, I am continuing to strive to work out for 60 minutes five times a week and sticking to my strict anti-inflammatory diet. I have slowly been adopting to it and definitely feel better.

I purchased all of the supplements my doctor recommended and am now taking around 20 pills a day!

1. One Synthroid Tablet
2. Five Fish Oil Tablets
3. Five Ayurvedic Boswellian Tablets
4. Six Botanical Treasures Supplements
5. 3 Magnesium Stearate Tablets
6. One Multi-vitamin

That is 21 pills total!!!

I was just looking up one of my placements in my Natal Chart and was looking at Chiron in Aries in the Sixth house. Apparently, health issues is a big thing for me in this lifetime. I am also positioned to become a healer to others who suffer from the same issues as me. The only way I can make sense of this happening to me is to believe that it is for a reason, and that I am evolving to eat a very healthy diet. Really, I have no choice or I am going to just keep getting worse.

One of the most difficult things for me to deal with is the idea that I have gotten a disease which basically shuts down my metabolism. That is in a lot of ways my worst fear come true. I have always been obsessive about my weight and have stuggled with eating disorders for most of my life. The idea of living my life continually gaining weight with no way of losing it no matter how much I diet or exercise is uncomprehensible to me. To be honest I would rather not live at all of I were to have to live like that.

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Winter Solstice Mix

This is a mix I recorded and broadcast on the Winter Solstice 2008.

Selekta Stjarna - Winter Solstice Mix (originally broadcast on the Binary Mix Sessions)

Here is the tracklist:

1. Freaky Chakra - Lurking | Astralwerks
2. Kosmozo - The Plan | Dona-Li Records
3. Dr. Futurist - Meridian (Stand By To Broadcast) | Sci-City
4. Hack the Tab - Hack the Tab (is Back) | Kracktronik
5. Dark Vektor - Inteligenica COlectiva | Fundamental Bass Intelligence
6. Umwelt - Dont Trust Me | Satamile
7. Bass Junkie - The Weirding Module | Control Tower
8.Sougon - Submission | Deadlock Records
9. Heuristic Audio - Wisla | Satamile
10. Lowfish - 8_Op | Satamile
11. Gab.Gato - No Light or Shadow (Electro Mix) | The Villians
12. Adam X - Schizophrenix | Sonic Groove
13. Hydraulix - Robocop | Touchin Bass
14. Salim Rafiq - Terra | Napzz Music
15. Suburban Hell - Haze(L) | iK7
16. Skinny Puppy - Sleeping Beast | Nettwerk

Long Distance Healing Voyage

So I went to a Doctor who practices Integrative Medicine yesterday and was diagnosed with (1) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (2) Milk Allergy (3) Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (4) Hypothyroidism &  (5) Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Also, it became apparent that the long term tooth infection I suffered in 2006 and 2007 from an incomplete root canal my incompetent dentist in Maryland performed compromised my immune system so much that combined with the Milk Allergy and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - my health has gotten pretty screwed up and is going to take some time and effort to fix.

Honestly, right now I am very depressed and in a lot of emotional and physical pain.

My doctor and I worked out a wellness plan which includes, diet, exercise, Ayurvedic herbs + botanicals and other various vitamin and mineral supplements, a bunch of blood tests to detail any insufficiencies, an order for an Adrenals test, and setting up some appointments for some EMDR sessions to treat my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Hopefully the year 2009 will be the year that I finally heal from these issues and get well.

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Puffiness Comparison

Ok, I just took a picture of myself (it is on my shitty webcam at 4 AM so not great quality - but you can see my face well enough) to compare how much the puffiness of my face has gone down.

Here is me 5 minutes ago:



Here is a picture of my puffy face from before I started taking my thyroid meds:



This last picture is actually from my wedding day last May. Isn't it sad that my face was like that on the day I got married? It did not always puff up like that, but this day was a particularly bad day. On the positive side, it is cool that Santino promised to be with me for the rest of our lives even though my face was puffed up and deformed looking. I guess that testifies that he really does love me unconditionally. :)

I am just happy because I know now that it was like that because of my thyroid disease and not because I was a cow, and that I can fix the situation!

That reminds me - tomorrow I will post the pictures from the rest of my wedding/honeymoon. :) Now that I have come out of the closet, puffy face and all, I might as well post all of them!

Normalcy

I am just writing this entry because right now I feel really good. I feel normal! I also was just noticing how my face is not puffy anymore. My stomach has gotten considerably flatter, also. I cannot believe it.

Today was a great day. It was Santino's 29th birthday. My mom and Uncle drove over from Harrisonburg and we took him out to dinner. Other activities we did today: went for a drive in lower Albemarle County and cuddled on the couch watching A Clockwork Orange with the fireplace lit.

I broke my elimination diet today but that is ok. I am back on the wagon tomorrow. One peculiar thing I noticed after eating a dish with dairy and wheat gluten - my throat started itching and burning! Sometimes I wonder if I have a sensitivity to these foods and if they are what is causing my thyroiditis.

ps. It is after 4AM and I cannot sleep... just looked at the Moon Calendar on the side column and noticed that the moon is 100% full! Awesome.

Day 11: Synthroid

Well, it has been eleven days since I started taking Thyroid hormone replacement medicine and despite my skepticism I have noticed remarkable improvements. When I wake up in the morning my body feels snuggly and rested laying in my bed - not heavy, tired, and depressed. My depression has gotten NOTICEABLY better. I am not having negative thoughts all of the time and sad feelings. I have hope for the future instead of worrying all of the time. I feel less bloated, like maybe I have lost a couple of pounds. My muscles are not really hurting anymore... although as I type this my back and shoulder seems kind of achy. I have more energy, but I cannot say that I feel completely normal yet. I am also experiencing constipation (is that too much information) so until that symptom is relieved I am not declaring synthroid a wonder drug yet.

I started my elimination diet last weekend and it is going well. I have not drank coffee, nor eaten wheat gluten, dairy foods, sugar,  soy, alcohol, or any of the other foods on my 'no-no' list. I do feel better. Even though the nutritionist suggested I follow this diet for three months, I might consider following it indefinitely if I get used to it and feel great on it. I have known for a long time that all of those "bad" foods were not good for me, so why start eating them again regularly if I can help it? The only problem with this diet is eating out...it greatly reduces my options.  But then again, it is also a blessing in disguise. I have wanted to stop eating out for a while now. I will save SO MUCH MONEY. Since I want to buy a house by the end of the year, it seems like the smart thing to do. Health and wealth? Sounds like a good plan to me.

I go to the Nutritionist on Monday - will give an update about what he says afterwards.

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Scientists: True love can last a lifetime

• Story Highlights
• Scientists have discovered that people can have a love that lasts a lifetime
  
• About 10 percent of couples appear to feel young love's first blush permanently
  
• Research has suggested first stages of romantic love fade within 15 months

"Love's first blush fading? Lost that loving feeling? Love is not all around?

Sick of cliches?

Take heart, scientists have discovered that people can have a love that lasts a lifetime.

Using brain scans, researchers at Stony Brook University in New York have discovered a small number of couples respond with as much passion after 20 years together as most people only do during the early throes of romance, Britain's Sunday Times newspaper reported.

The researchers scanned the brains of couples together for 20 years and compared them with results from new lovers, the Sunday Times said.

About 10 percent of the mature couples had the same chemical reactions when shown photographs of their loved ones as those just starting out.

Previous research has suggested that the first stages of romantic love fade within 15 months and after 10 years it has gone completely, the newspaper said.

"The findings go against the traditional view of romance -- that it drops off sharply in the first decade -- but we are sure it's real," said Arthur Aron, a psychologist at Stony Brook, told the Sunday Times."

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/01/04/true.love.found/index.html

I do not usually quote articles from News websites here but I am making an exception for this one. It explains how I can feel the way I do about Santino after six years of being together. I am just as in love with him now as in the beginning, and I have always felt that our love WILL last a lifetime.

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Day Four on Synthroid

One of the symptoms of my hypothyroidism is that I wake up in the morning feeling very tired, heavy, and just bad in general. Laying in bed does not even feel good, and it takes a lot of effort to get up. It is particularly worse in the winter because of my cold sensitivity - I cannot stand cold! That is weird because I used to really like cold weather and not be bothered by it all that much.

I take my hormone replacement pill every morning as soon as I wake up, and this morning was the fourth day of taking it. Maybe I am imagining things but I really am starting to feel a lot better. I would not say I am 100% yet better by any means (yesterday I did not feel very good at all) but I feel like I am making progress.

I have yet to completely start my new anti-inflammatory foods only diet. I did quit coffee (yay!) but yesterday I had pizza, beer, and cookies (all no-no) food items because it was around and was New Years Day and all that jazz. Today I am turning a new leaf, though. Santino and I have been trying to clear out all of the "bad" food items this week before we go food shopping tomorrow, and they are all almost gone. I am currently gathering recipes of soups I am going to make this weekend that we will be able to eat all next week. I have been pretty upset that I am having to give up all of my favorite foods, but I am viewing this as an opportunity to become healthier than ever. I know that I will be able to adjust my tastes to enjoy my new diet as much as my old one.

I have an appointment to see the Nutritionist on January 12th to get further guidance and hopefully get switched from Synthroid to Armour Thyroid ( a natural hormone replacement product). I have a lot of supplements/herbs that I need to go get and start taking. I am also researching Acupuncturists who have experience treating hypothyroidism. From all of the research I have been doing, I think I have a very good chance of curing my hypothyroidism if I combine traditional medicinal treatment with alternative therapy. One day I am hoping that my Endocrinologist will tell me that I do not have to take thyroid medicine any longer.

I think that most people never recover from their hypothyroidism because they never make the necessary dietary changes which this condition requires. I have been feeling for the past several years that a switch in my diet will be mandatory to my evolutionary path. It seems as if my body has finally flipped the switch and now I have no choice.  

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